Agnostic

The night I went to the country bar I taught my friend's co-worker to two-step. He had just broken up with his girlfriend that day and apparently had started drinking at 7 pm (I didn't know until later). It was about 10:30 or 11 when I met him. He told me I was a great teacher and wanted to dance with me again later so I told him I'd find him.

Much later into the night I found him again and we danced and he told me he thought I was really nice and again, that I was a great teacher and dancer and I made things so easy. Honestly, I just like dancing, I wasn't really looking for a hookup or anything. Then he kissed me. And he was a pretty good kisser. But I felt like I was a rebound or something. Right before that dance was when I found out he had just broken up with his girlfriend. So while I didn't push him away, I wasn't trying to encourage it either. Other than being really drunk, he seemed nice enough so I told him he could get my number from my friend if he remembered me in the morning.

Turns out he remembered me, but didn't remember my name. He got my number from my friend and texted me the next morning. So we've been sending texts back and forth, sort of getting to know each other when he tells me he goes to church every week. Which is fine and I think religion can teach you good morales and to love thy neighbour and all that jazz. But then he tells me this:

Him: It's more about having the comfort in knowing that I am saved from my sins by repenting and believing that god died on the cross for each and every one. I am very much into my faith. What I did the other night is a side of me that doesn't come out alot and I wish it never would.

Me: What did you do?

Him: I went out drinking and got way outta hand. I kissed you and I never even remembered your name. I gave into the devil. That wasn't god.

This is what I don't like about religion. It was a kiss. And while he was drunk, I wouldn't have labeled him "out of hand". He wasn't stumbling, he never felt me up, didn't insult anyone and was just basically having a good time. I feel a little insulted that kissing me was giving into the devil, like I'm some vile temptress. I feel everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and I would never pressure anyone into believing what I do. So if you are currently happy with your faith then don't read on, but if you would like to know what I think then here it is:

If there is a God, then he is a kind God. I refuse to believe in a God that would punish good people for things that don't seem the least bit bad in my mind. And if I'm wrong, then I wouldn't want to worship a God that petty to begin with.

My belief begins with my mother. My mother doesn't believe in a God at all. I was taught right and wrong because they were right and wrong, not because I fear the punishment of eternal damnation when I die. I was taught to try to make the world a better place while I'm in it, and to work hard to get what I want. You get more satisfaction out of the things that don't come to you easily.

When I was little (maybe 5 or 6), my best friend's dad when to jail for 9 months. Her mom was working a lot of overtime and was barely able to afford food and rent. She was using one of our cars to get to work and she wasn't going to be able to afford a single present for her kids for Christmas. My mom went over to her house, gave her $500 and said "This is not a loan. I don't ever want this back. Don't you even think of trying to repay me. I want you to take it and get your kids some presents and dinner for a Merry Christmas." My parents are not rich, and back then we were not even "well off". We were just doing okay. And I never even heard about this until I was 19.

My mom works in a retirement home and there was an old man there who had come from Brazil and had lived most of his adult life in Canada, but never had a family here. However he didn't speak very good english and one day he had a stroke and lost his ability to speak altogether. My mother could tell he wasn't going to last very much longer and knew he had family in Brazil but didn't know any of their names, and she knew he had a life savings that she didn't want to go to the government when he died. So she looked through his drawers trying to find a will and came across a letter from his nephew, who had been practicing his english. So she searched the internet for his number and phoned him and told him about his uncle, then she held the phone up to his ear and while he wasn't able to speak, he was nodding his head yes and had tears in his eyes. The phone was passed around and his family was able to tell him how much they loved him and missed him. This man had saved as much money as he could and only shopped at Value Village. He owned one nice suit jacket but all his pants had holes in the knees and he didn't own any nice shirts. So that day my mom went to the store and bought him a nice pair of pants and a shirt so that he'd have something nice to be buried in. She gave them to him and never expected anything in return. He ended up dying a couple days later.

There are so many stories I could tell you about my mom. She is such a kind and generous person. She makes this world a better place. Someday I hope people think I'm half as good as my mom is. Also, my parents are not married. They live in "sin". There is no way you could ever convince me, that when she dies, she will be going to hell because she does not believe in a God and doesn't go to church and follow a bunch of commandments. I refuse to believe in a God that petty, cruel and childlike.

So needless to say this potential relationship had been stopped dead in it's tracks. I don't want to be with a guy who's going to punish himself and repent for wanting me. Plus there's a small part of me who might like playing the temptress...