Cynic

So chocolate making at Nice Guy's aunt's house went well. Apparently he's been making them for about 10 years and they are AWESOME!!! We didn't get much done though because his aunt really wanted more of a social visit and used chocolate making as an excuse. So there was LOTS of talking and a bit of TMI about some serious subjects. Which was extremely uncomfortable but what do you do when the woman is 73 years old? But overall it was a nice visit and if I'm still with him next year I'd be willing to do it again.

Last night I was making blueberry buttertarts (I suck at cooking but I'm a good baker) with a friend and she was asking me if things were going well with Nice Guy and did I think we'd keep moving forward. And I told her things are good, we like the same things, we're supportive of our differences and he really loves me. She said "You can totally tell he's really into you". And it made me think back to a few days ago when we were walking the dogs and he looked at me and said "You're sister was right." and I said "About what?" and he said "You are easy to love." Which made me feel good and sad at the same time.

I think I've figured out a little more about my cynicism. It's not that I feel like I shouldn't be loved, it's that I feel like love isn't enough. I loved and was loved for 6 years and it ended in us not speaking anymore. I used to believe that all you need is love but clearly that isn't the case. So what else is it that you need? I don't know. Love is important but it's not everything, and until I figure out what else I need, I don't feel like I can be emotionally/mentally committed. Not that I'm going to cheat or anything, just that I can't promise forever.

A Plan B Type of Girl

I am a planner. Some people might even describe me as a schemer. But I'm basically a Plan B person. I need to have a way out. I need to have a fall back plan. It's how I got through school and most of my life.

For example, if I absolutely totally f-ing bomb this midterm and my grade is reduced to rubble, what's my Plan B? I'll have to get a 85% on the final and if I can't do that I can retake this class at Summer School and be able to devote more time to it. Given that I can decide on a Plan B I can live with, the stress of having to succeed at Plan A is taken away and I usually accomplish it anyway, never actually having to rely on Plan B. I did this all through school from Grade 9 almost all the way to finishing my Masters.

But I'll let you in on a little secret. I also had a Plan C. And that Plan C was always "if I make a complete disgrace of myself and somehow fail every single subject and it all stops making any sort of sense, I can always become a house wife". I had placed my entire future on my Ex, and I did this for years. If shit hit the fan, I was just going to leave it all behind and let my Ex be the bread winner. My parents and siblings would be disappointed, but I was willing to live with that. And there's where I wasn't characteristically me. I had no Plan B for my Ex. It had never occurred to me that our relationship would ever end. I had a head over heels, love conquers all, all you need is love, it's us against the world mentality.

Which brings me to the other type of person. The No Plan B people. These are the type of people who you can not make aware of the Plan B. If you tell them a decent Plan B, one they could live with, then they completely give up on A or may fail to try as hard as they would have otherwise, because Plan B seems to look pretty nice compared to the stress of Plan A.

If two No Plan B people get together, it's one of those relationships where they may fight a lot and become very passionate about things and you may sometimes wonder why they're even together. But their relationship lasts for years and years. These people can have an enormous amount of love for each other. These are the people who stay together because it never occurs to them that they could be apart. Unless one day, one of them becomes aware of the Plan B, and it doesn't look so bad.

I was a No Plan B person when it came to love, and then Plan B was sort of forced upon me. I became very aware that I could and would have to live without my Ex. Which brings me to today. I am now a Plan B person when it comes to love. I am always seeking a possible way out with Nice Guy. For example, I was thinking (just thinking mind you, not actually considering or planning in any way) about what it would be like to move in with Nice Guy. Where would we live, how would it work? And I decided that he should buy/rent a house and I would pay him rent, that way if we broke up I could just leave. I decided against me buying property because he had llamas and chickens and things and if I'm living by myself, I don't want to have a big farm to take care of. I find myself thinking, if I want to end it I can, but I'm having fun and things are good and I really don't have any complaints. But if something really starts bothering me, I am willing to end it. I think...

So I'm not sure how I feel with being a Plan B girl when it comes to love. It could turn out really well, given that I almost never actually have to resort to Plan B. I could live my life with prenuptials, separate bank accounts, and names in books and movie cases, in case of the event of a breakup, and by giving myself an out, have it never actually occur. Or I could be sabotaging myself, if I'm making it an option, I may wake up one day and decide it might be pretty good, especially given that I'm already set up to handle it. I guess we'll see...

Any Man of Mine

So I haven't posted in a while. Sorry for that. I still haven't told Nice Guy about my blog and he's around so much that I don't have the time to write privately.

I made him dinner tonight. Let's just start off by saying I suck at cooking. I totally suck. I would not survive in the 1930's. I made him eat freezer burnt hash browns (which had the flavour of cardboard), microwaved broccoli and cauliflower (which was a little rubbery but otherwise the best part of the meal), and I managed to burn both sides of the chicken wings. He insisted that it was fine and the burnt parts just peel right off. I made him take the leftovers for lunch because I couldn't bear to see them again.

My dog is in a competition in a couple weeks. He does Rally Obedience but we've also been practicing with the Scent hurdle team. I was extremely pissed off last week because our captain said he wasn't ready yet but we've been practicing since about April and I think he's more consistent than some of the other dogs. We had a practice on Sunday against another team and he did so awesome that now I feel good even if he doesn't get to compete.

I started painting again as well. Nice Guy's brother saw the butterfly that I was working on and ask me to paint him a picture. He takes wildlife photos and so I got Nice Guy to steal some and I'm going to try to replicate one with acrylics. We'll see how it goes. If it's done and looks good by Christmas I'll give it to him, and if it looks like crap I'll just get him a shirt. Or maybe a tie.

I had a Halloween party at my house. Nice Guy and I were both mad hatters and I dressed my dog up like the white rabbit. Then I decorated my dining room like a tea party. Each tea pot had a different shot in it (Swedish Berry, Crispy Crunch and Bazooka Joe) and the little tea cups were shot glasses. Then at about 10 we all went out to the bar and danced.

This coming weekend I'm suppose to go with Nice Guy to his Aunt's house to make chocolates and truffles. Apparently it's a yearly tradition. I'm not sure how much I like this aunt. She's fairly nice but she says some things that get to me. Like the last time I saw her, she attributed the goodness and kindness in Nice Guy to the fact that he was raised religious. It was all because of the church that he turned out so good. And since I wasn't raised religious at all I felt like it was a dig at me and my parents. I don't believe that a religious upbringing is required in order for you to grow up to be a good person. I am most likely over-reacting but I feel like she isn't completely straightforward with everything she says. So we'll see how making chocolates goes. Luckily she doesn't live very close so we barely see her. On a good note, she rescues dogs and we are welcome to bring our dogs to her house. So I don't have to find a babysitter for my dog when we go there. Hopefully I'm wrong about her undertones and I'll end up really liking her.